I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
