between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
