I need to stop coming to work sober
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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