I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
