Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
