Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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