Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize