I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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