my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
