I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
So vagazzling was a success
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
