My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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