Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
