i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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