I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
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