How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
