so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
