My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
