Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
