Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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