I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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