I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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