Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize