I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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