how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
