I met the friendliest cop last night
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
