why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
