Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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