sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
there's paper in my vomit.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
