Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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