If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
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