I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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