drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
