I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
