I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
