How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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