You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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