i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
