If that was your dad, he is hot
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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