I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
