There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
