Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
