The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize