Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
