I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
