do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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