My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
