wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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