so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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