I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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