I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
