how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just pee around me
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
