I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize