she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
