Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
