I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
