ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
This is the prime rib incident all over again
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
